IN THE BEGINNING......

Why am I starting a blog? I am not sure why this is the time that I have chosen to begin a blog. It isn't particularly the best time, at least on the surface, to start blogging. I am 24 days away from giving birth to a baby girl, trying to maintain some semblance of parenting to my 2 year old son, and manage to keep some order in my home. Oh yeah, and there's the hormones. And the husband.

I have been putting forth a lot of effort during this pregnancy to "be pregnant" differently. I have tried this time to acknowledge my mood swings, take care of myself, recognize where I am mood-wise, but at the same time, also not inflict my state of mind on the universe, in particular on my family and most specifically, my husband, the Monkey Man. I feel quite sure that a less-Catholic husband would have considered divorcing the wife that I became during my last pregnancy. Prior to the birth there were physical complications for me that made me quite surly as I was in a great deal of physical pain. After a scheduled C-section, I had post-partum depression that not only did I not recognize but also that manifested itself as a deep dislike for the Monkey. Since I was enjoying my new son just fine, I did not realize I had PPD until things were fairly ugly in our home. I truly lost myself, lost my connection w/the parts of myself that are authentic, centered, the parts that I believe are God inside me. I believed at the time and I still believe that it was the presence of evil (call it what you like Satan, the Dark Side, etc...) working on me at a time when I was vulnerable and not as connected to my spiritual self.

So this time around, I have been committed to staying conscious to the truth of who I am and the knowledge that God is with me and that if I call on him in times of darkness, if I can admit my weakness (arghhhhh) in that moment, that He will sustain me. If I allow myself to get disconnected from that truth, try and "white knuckle" (thank you Bill W.) my way through the challenges of parenting a newborn, then I leave myself open for evil to come in and start working on my spirit.

With that in mind, I have employed a number of self-care techniques designed to help nurture my soul and spirit during this pregnancy. They have ranged from the practical - physical therapy and chiropractic care to help minimize the physical pain - to the creative - affirmation cards that I am making for myself to remind myself of my truth - to the mundane, good old fashioned therapy.

I have been hoping for transformation, desperately. I articulated this recently to one of the Fab Four (my group of closest female friends). I explained that I felt I had not prayed in ways that would invite transformation into my life. She, an experienced parent of a lovely 4 year old boy, gently explained to me that the last few weeks of the last trimester are not a time for transformation. In that moment, I was humbled, left wide open and I sobbed into the phone "Then what am I supposed to do?" God apparently took this as a time to be ironic and literal.

Within 24 hours an article that I had been avoiding wormed its way into my awareness. It was about the author of "Motherless Daughters" Hope Edelman. She has a new book entitled "Motherless Mothers". Ms. Edelman's target audience is women whose mothers have died. My mother is still living, but has been emotionally absent from the time I was born. Edelman talks about her own experience of missing her mother while on bedrest during her second pregnancy. Reading the article was like having the wind knocked out of me. I had clarity in that moment; what I miss during pregnancy is a mother (do not be confused here, it is not my mentally ill mother that I miss, but the presence of a nurturing older female helping me to navigate this time). Part of my anger with the people around me is that they are not mothering me. Of course, it's not their job to be that nurturing person. In the absence of a a physical mother, it's my job to dig down deep and take the best care that I can of myself, even if that calls me to emotionally stand in places that are difficult and uncomfortable...

....this was not the transforming moment I was looking for. First of all it was on the toilet and of course I started crying. It wasn't the answer I was looking for as it required more work from me versus someone else doing something for me. But it was a shift - an invitation to look at the same situation with a new prescription in my lenses. It was uninvited by me, not what I wanted, and yet what I so deeply needed in order to renew my spirit - random transformation. This is how God works for me so many times, in ways that are unexpected, not desired, and in ways that can cause my mouth to say "Oh hell no" while simultaneously my spirit is heaving a sigh of relief. (WHY DID YOU DO THAT GOD? OH THANK YOU GOD)

So to answer my question, this blog is part of my self-care plan. A place where I can remember my truth. I am practicing "Black Belt" self-care (this is adapted from a term used by a mentor, Black Belt Al-Anon, meaning pulling out all the stops to work your program) so whatever resources I have at my disposal, I will use if it means that I can stay connected to my Self, my Spirit, to God. In that way, this blog is a wonderful gift to me.

Happy Mother's Day to me.